The Road Map to Happiness

Elephant Journal has a great article in which Julian Walker discusses the meaning of asana, or the physical practice of yoga.  I can't recommend it enough.

I posted it on Mike Lyons' FB wall.  Like any good yoga teacher, he challenged me, probably without even meaning to.  Specifically, he wondered about my reaction to the comments that maintained that the physical practice of yoga is deeply rooted in ancient Indian tradition, a point with which Walker disagrees.  I reacted on his wall, and I'd like to expand upon what I wrote here.

I tend to think of what happens at places like the Greatest Yoga Studio Ever as the starting point on a treasure map.  It's not the starting point for the quest, of course.  Something got the map into your hands, and nothing has a clean beginning or ending anyway.  But when you go to enough modern US physical yoga class, you start to realize that there is something to this "yoga" thing.  On the most mundane level, your body should feel a whole lot better, but a lot of people can't escape the feeling that yoga offers more than "just" relief from physical pain.

And what happens from there is entirely up to you and your desire to follow the map in pursuit of the treasure.  The map can be hard to follow, but it's all right there.  The physical practice can make you want to meditate, pursue a spiritual teacher, give up meat, live a more compassionate life, and so on and so forth.  I actually do believe that once one comes to view yoga as central to his or her identity, one has taken the first step on a path that can lead to nirvana.

There are some pretty sizable caveats, however.

1. No two people get the exact map or the exact same final destination.
2. Point number 1 means a lot of people are going to make a lot of choices you don't understand.
3. Capitalism has also become pretty damn good at exploiting point number 1 to sell you things that they say should be on your map but probably don't need to be and even shouldn't be.
4. As a consequence of #3, you're going to find yourself struggling with some very unyogic emotions, thoughts, etc. about much of what passes for yoga.
5. Yoga's certainly not the only way to get to your goal.  Buddha would say you're at your final destination right now, and your task is just to get out of your own way.  If that sounds good to you, maybe you should read Buddhism: Plain and Simple rather than going to an asana class.  Maybe you should go for a run.  Maybe you should work on your motorcycle.
6. Why do you need a goal, anyway?

I guess I think the ultimate value of asana is that it's something you do every day for its own sake.  I've come to believe that if you do anything at all long enough and consistently enough, you will do that thing through something like the full range of things we can experience.  You'll rejoice and struggle and, if you're paying attention, learn how to rejoice in the struggle.

The other great thing that asana can give you is its failure.  I will never do every possible pose, and someone will always do better and more poses than me.  Most importantly, consistent asana practice has not and will not solve all my problems.  The great gift here is that realization and the question that accompanies it: "Well, fuck.  Now what?"

That's the most important question there is.

If ashtanga or universal principles of alignment or some other physical practice seem to be moving you forward on your map, ignore everything I just said and keep practicing.  For all I know, I may end up right next to you.  I reserve the right to change my opinion and reject any and all of this in the future.  After all, I have no idea where I am on my map, other than a vague notion that I am moving in the right direction.

When You Need Yoga

I haven't been writing about yoga as much lately.  It hasn't been a conscious decision.  Someone who shall remain nameless teased me that TWEDP had turn into a yoga-exclusive blog.  Being a contrarian, I suppose my subconscious could be driving me to write about other things as a way to prove him wrong, but I don't even think that's the case.  For one thing, other stuff has been grabbing my attention.

The bigger issue is that yoga has been relatively tough for me lately.  I've been traveling a lot.  While I'm still keeping up with the physical practice of yoga, I'm doing so at times of the day to which my body isn't accustomed.  Mostly, though, the problem is stress.  On Monday, I move out of my apartment and into the great unknown.  The stress of moving and looking for a job has made asana practice, meditation, and mindful living much more difficult.  My muscles are tight as a drum, and even the best classes at the World's Greatest Yoga Studio fail to fully loosen them up.  Stress is also allowing old insecurities to manifest themselves much more easily, which makes living joy, equanimity, compassion, and kindness much more difficult.

...and I don't know how to make an artful transition to say what I want to say next, which is that I'm incredibly proud of myself.  I recognize how thoroughly terrified I am, and I am doing my best to work with that feeling to get through that feeling.  I'm still on my mat 4-5 times a week, even if I'm having a harder time hitting poses that I generally take for granted.  I'm still sitting down to mediate (almost) every night, even if calming the mind is impossible.  I'm still reading the Sutras (almost) every night before I go to bed.  Life has thrown some fairly significant obstacles at me, but I'm still here.  I'm still present.  I'm still mindful.

All of this makes me recall the guy who showed up for his first yoga class this past Monday.  Our instructor's profound philosophy towards beginner yoga can be summed up with the ancient yogic maxim "sink or swim," so this poor kid got a full-on FSY class.  As we were walking out, he was moving so slowly he could have been limping if I didn't know better, if I didn't know that feeling where every muscle in your body is clenched up and movement seems impossible.

And yet he had the biggest smile on his face.

Word up, kid.  If you keep showing up, so will I.

You Only Get What You Give

Is yoga spiritual?  Sure.

So is running.

So is knitting.

So is accounting.

So is any activity, pastime, occupation, whatever.

Where "is" equals "can be."

Why are you doing it?  How are you doing it?  Are you doing it mindfully?  Does it help you engage in the most rigorous possible self-examination?  Does it make you question your every relationship with the world?  Finally, are you prepared to do it for a really, really long time, until such point where it provides the answers to everything, until it encompasses everything?

All of those questions are much more important than what the it is.  In my completely elementary view, those questions, or some more eloquent, comprehensive, and advanced statement of them, are the most important thing with which a person can concern themselves.

Those questions are everything.

So are kittens.

The One Path

So I've decided that Buddhism is not for me, at least for now.

I fully accept what I believe to be the Hindu notion that many ways exist to reach heaven, nirvana, the tenth level, Barbelith, whatever you want to call it.  Hermann Hesse said that people who reach such heights will often say things that seem to directly conflict with the teachings of other enlightened ones, but that's only because teachings are words are concepts that cannot possibly express the whole of Truth. It's all one thing.  I believe that with all my heart.

But while the Truth might be singular, I am a flawed finite vessel.  As I've read different versions of the One Truth, I've often found myself more and more confused.  Should I be going through my day with the intention to spread joy, equanimity, compassion, and kindness, or should I strive to be unattached?  What about when I meditate?  Even though that I'm sure an enlightened being knows beyond all doubt that there is no difference between the approaches, I do not.

I recently had a conversation about the necessity of giving one's self over to a teacher.  At the time, I thought we were talking about the need for discipline and the subsuming of one's ego, but now I'm pretty sure that limits are part of that equation.  If all paths lead to the top of the mountain, the only mistake one can make is trying to take multiple paths at once, because then you are always returning to the beginning of the journey.  I'm not claiming this approach is correct for anyone other than me, and I reserve the right to change my approach when the situation dictates.  The Buddha's definitely right that if you hold fast to a fixed doctrine, you will see it fail you eventually.

But for me, now, I need to take one path and look forward to the top of the mountain, where I'll meet people who say completely different things that all mean the same.

A Valentine for You

Having done a lot of gratitude posts lately, I was a little hesitant to go forward with the following concept for Valentine's Day.  I'm also conscious of not blowing up anyone's spot.  I guess it's ok to put people's names in these blog entries, but I do want to respect the privacy of everyone, especially the people for which I am most grateful.

But then I thought again.  The world needs nothing so much as it needs joy, equanimity, compassion, and kindness.  In that spirit, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone, but especially to the following people.  I'm keeping names out of it, but I'll be as specific as I can so you know when you're getting shouted out.

The Anthem.  Get Your Damn Hands Up

• To my family, for everything ever but especially for their support over the last year.
• To my professional colleagues who have stood by me through the last year.  I learned that the upper boundary of the best behavior from caring, dedicated professionals is much higher than I had thought.
• To my friends  who have been with me from the jump.  I could not have made it through without you.
• To my friends who I just connected with over the past year.  You've made life in North Carolina richer and more fun than I thought possible.
• To everyone who has contributed to my yoga practice ever.
• To all the students I have had the pleasure of teaching.
• To the airplanes and internet providers that keep me close with all of the above.
• To the sun, the moon, the sky, the earth, and the spirit.
• To Lindsey Andrews, whose former FB profile pick I've been looking for an excuse to steal for months.  Words to live by.

Compassion: The Word of the Day

Actually, compassion is tied for Word of the Day status with "soy."  The homie Sprows just came up with the greatest sequel title ever: "Latte 2: You Soy Crazy."

But I digress.

It's been a trying few days.  I'm near the completion of an article, and anyone who's written anything for submission knows that those moments before you hand it are sheer terror.  Added to the general upheaval of my life right now, this article is kicking my a$$.  I'm tired a lot.  It's kind of tough to talk to people for very long.  I want to fill a swimming pool with Glenlivet and reincarnate Hunter S. Thompson to baptize me and wash/anesthetize my sins away.

After trying a bunch of different strategies today to deal with all my stuff, I finally decided that I was going to try to worry about the troubles of others for a while.  I'm working on compassion without expectation of immediate reward.  Of course, I hope unselfishly concerning myself with the well being of others plants those good karmic seeds that will send angels my way to help me out, but it's karma's job to worry about the return on my investment, not mine.  I'm interested in trying to help people just for it's own sake.

So if you see a bald guy walking down the street looking dazed and friendly in Chapel Thrill, know that he's just repeating a one-word mantra and looking for people to help.  If you need someone to help you move this weekend, you're in luck.  Holla.

The Yoga Before Class

In their translation of The Yoga Sutras, Geshe Michael Roach and Christie McNally use a movie metaphor to explain our relationship to reality.  They say that when a kid sees a man doing something wrong on a movie screen, he might tell the character to stop, or he might try to restrain the man.  Neither one will work.

Their point is, most of the problems we think we face are exactly like the example.  The choices we most naturally see usually address symptoms of the problem, not the underlying problem itself.  Until we can identify and fix the underlying problem, we are destined to make the wrong choice, and our suffering will continue.

One of my projects lately has been to try to identify the real issues behind conflicts I feel, to ask myself whether the options that I see in front of me address mere symptoms and whether the situation offers me any opportunity to plant new seeds that will lead to a better set of choices in the future.

At no time have I thought more about all of this than the five minutes before my yoga class.  The truth is that I care a whole lot about how I am regarded at what is, in my incredibly biased view, the best fLKLing yoga studio on the planet.  There's no real reason for me to worry.  My studio is an accepting and nurturing space.  Yet I worry, for no reason I could ever identify, what the teachers, staff, and other yogis think of me.

In the spirit of planting new and better seeds, let's see if we can peel back the onion and figure out a little bit of what the real cause of my concern is.  Because they're the ones getting paid, let's talk about the instructors.  I definitely, definitely care about what a few of the instructors at Franklin Street think of me.  Why might that be?

Because I like people, and I like to connect with those I see on a regular basis?  Yup, sans doute, as my French friend Colette would say.

Because these instructors are kind and wonderful people?  Yes they are, and those are definitely the type of people whose admiration and respect matters to me.  So far, so good.

Because they are advanced practitioners of something about which I care deeply and have dedicated a good part of my life?  Yeah, ok, but I'm starting to feel a little nervous.

Because...

AHA!!

Because they are the teachers, and I am used to getting As?

Because I want to be Super Yogi, the best yogi in the whole class and the object of admiration for all who behold me?

Because I want to win?

...and is some part of me trying to win yoga by writing this blog right now?

Hmm.  Hmm hmm hmm.

Keep in mind that I don't think either of these four potential reasons is innately better than the others.  I won't diss my competitive urges, because they've gotten me pretty far in life.  That said, when I walk into my studio, in addition to all the wonderful feelings and the completely awesome joy of seeing friends again, I do have a hint of insecurity, and that insecurity is something I want to move past.

Knowledge is power.  Lately I've been trying to take steps to fight the urge to win yoga.  In the first Warrior or Down Dog, I'm trying to let my body warm up, rather than going for it right away.  When my legs just aren't feeling it, I do a quick straighten, I shake it out a little bit, and I go back into the pose.  I'm trying not to hold poses any more just for the sake of, I MUST HOLD THIS POSE BECAUSE I AM A YOGI, DAMNIT.

And it all feels great.  It feels right.

I wonder if I could get to be as good a friend with that anonymous person in the back row as I am with Lori.